'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) using lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, Spit 'em out everybody ! They're butt-holes!

Well Done

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

I found this picture online, and the question was.....

What is she hanging on to?

Answer: His stimulus package.

Stealing More Kodak Moments ... Again ?

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey

A Few Creative Bathroom Signs

Once again, discrimination rears its ugly head........

Will it never end?

Letter From The Boss:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself
to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that
our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have
to increase by about 10%

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off
sixty of our employees instead. This has really been
bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I
didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did.

I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama'
bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a
more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for
change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the Annual Company Picnic.

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

Wow! Can't believe this works.
Don't cheat it takes about one minute.

Each of us is the result of the influence of
many people. However some individuals
have played a significant role in our development..
They are often called "role models" that we
consciously or unconsciously imitate. Perhaps
you know who that person is, or perhaps you don't.


The world renowned SAMUEL HAIN, Ph.D.,
has given us a simple way to determine our role
model. It is easy and only takes a minute and it
may surprise you.




WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???*

Be sure not to peek!
You don't want to skew your answer.
Try this - it's really neat .....

Don't look at the answers:


1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then Multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number... ..

5) Add the digits together


Now Scroll down ...............








With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL
is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Teresa
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Ronald Reagan
7. Brad Pitt
8. Babe Ruth
9. Woodsterman
10. Barack Obama

*I know...I just have that effect on people....one
day you too can be like me..... Believe it!


* P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!
I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!



*PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND TRY IT.

I Really Love Those Stolen Kodak Moments

Blond Dancing Or ....

Stealing More Kodak Moments

? in Progress

Charleston, WV Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Kanawha River just west of the Patrick Street Bridge.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama t-shirt.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Stealing Your Kodak Moment

Mini Bush

I'm an equal opportunity offender here. I try to keep this blog politically neutral, but sometimes I just can't help myself as in the case below.

You Must Be A Republican

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degree, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Exhale

Blond Joke

A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Just More Drinking Fun ...

You think this beer tap is funny?

You should see my friend drink from it

... without a glass !

And this the last thing I remember before below.

Repeat After Me ...

I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN ,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN,
I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!!!


I liked it so much on Woodsterman
I posted it here "Too".

A LITTLE THREE YEAR-OLD BOY IS SITTING ON

THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS

BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN

TO SEE WHAT’S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS

GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH

HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON

TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE.” BILLY SAYS:

“I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T GONE

‘DOODY’ YET.” MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY

THERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY

ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”

There's a dickhead in the pool !

Investment Banking Explained

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey

from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver

the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer

drove up and said, “Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad

news. The donkey died." Chuck replied, “Well then,

just give me my money back.” The farmer said, "Can’t

do that. I went and spent it already.” Chuck said, “OK,

then, just bring me the dead donkey.” The farmer asked,

“What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?” Chuck said,

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell

anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and

asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at

two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain? "Chuck said,

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

Weather Alert

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......

.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Kansas girl are in the
same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with
the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks
no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out
his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we
have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the
same one twice either.'


The Kansas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her
beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it
on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Kansas we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'


God Bless Kansas

Ikea Purchases General Motors

Ikea announced today that it will take over GM. This unexpected purchase caught everyone off guard, but analysts in New York quickly indicated that Ikea's fresh approach to marketing and manufacturing may be the best solution for the giant auto maker to cut the huge costs and overhead, which it has endured
over the past few years.

For further information on the prospectus, turn to page 14 in the 2009 Summer Ikea catalog!

When you purchase your next car, you most definitely will need a screwdriver. And to facilitate the global market, the assembly manual is now printed in 23 languages.

Today's Inspirational Message

Never piss off a woman

who owns a backhoe

Just when you thought they were history . . .
The Bill and Hillary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set

Every once in a while, in life you run

into a genius with true talent......

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionality

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Be on the lookout for a 1951 Chevy, red with white top - thought to be transporting illegal immigrants!

Yes, the age old question.

Really Crappy Job !

The newest thing in senior attire.

Don't mess with this guy !

Global Facts . . .
At Any Given Moment:

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 old timer is reading this blog.


You hang in there, Sunshine . . .

THE HOTEL

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this…

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to
Melbourne. After almost ten hours on the road, theyʼre too tired
to continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands
them a bill for $450.00. The man explodes and demands to
know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although itʼs a
nice hotel; the rooms certainly arenʼt worth $450.00. When the
clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the
man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool
and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. “But we didnʼt use them,” the man
complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains
the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas
perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didnʼt go to any of
those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them,
and you could have,” the Manager replies. No matter what
amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, “But we didnʼt
use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the cheque. “But sir,” he says, “this
cheque is only made out for $50.00.” “Thatʼs correct,” says the
man. “I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my Wife.”
“But I didnʼt!” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad,” the man
replies. “She was here and you could have.”

Wisconsin Toilet Paper

This cow wants to be a California cow, or should I say a San Francisco Bay Area cow ?

How To Get Even With Micheal Vick

Instead of getting his in prison ... he could have been sent to the dog pound.

Ah Technology

Ain't technology great ? You can scan yourself, post it on Craigs List for a date, and be home in time for corn flakes in the morning.

"REDNECK ATTIRE"

Isn't this the greatest invention you've ever seen? Instead of getting the next (or larger) size, you just remove where it no longer fits. I know my problems are now solved.

THE APPLE

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon

a sign saying "Apples- $5.00 each." He thinks that that is

a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes

up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples

are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut

butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and

says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the

apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I

thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly

apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The

man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"

The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the

road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."

Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey,

what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're

ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a

bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says,

"Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says

"You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese."

Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me

some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the

road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50

each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these

apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and

says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples.

Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says,

"Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR
MOTHER TOLD YOU
NEVER TO TAKE CANDY
FROM A STRANGER.....

.......THIS IS THE ONE
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!!