Friday, August 21, 2009

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington , DC - President Barack Obama and the Democrat
controlled Congress are considering sweeping legislation that
will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans
With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major
legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who
lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the
competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara
Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability
(POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a
small group of workers, simply because they have some
idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader
Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed
to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a
long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard
to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal
employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single
largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of
non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales
(72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement
warehouse stores (65%). At the state government level,
the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent
record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions
will be created, with important-sounding titles but little
real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of
purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions
will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even
the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides
substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
significant number of Persons of Inability into
middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to
small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one
clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to
make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory
interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or
experience that relate to this job?

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up
with people who have something going for them,"
said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut
twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her
inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey.
"This new law should be real good for people like me,"
Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and
millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a
light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), "As a Senator with
no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected
officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American
with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in
this great nation and a good salary for doing so."


Opus #6 said...

Righty tighty, lefty loosey. Ha ha. Funny.

Woodsterman (Odie) said...

That's a tough talent to master.