Four Friends

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
 shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

 Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

 Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

 "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

 "Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I
 was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"  I pulled his hands off to find all he
 was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom.

 The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

  So here I am.

A Very Loyal Wife...

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 When my health started failing, 

you were still by my side... You know what?"

 "What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 "I think you're fucking bad luck!"

IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons 

him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops..

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Obama, "It's Bush's Fault !"

How is this for nostalgia?

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.

We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...

Now we have Obama and no Hope and no

Cash.  

Listening ?

 This man, 73,

 is wearing a protective flap
over his ear while
Joe Biden,  Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi addressed the Veterans of  Foreign Wars

Where can I get one of those ?

The New Motto At Woodsterman Too Again

Live long enough to be a REAL

concern to your kids:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why should it be any different for Woodsterman ?

The New Motto At Woodsterman Too

Live long enough to be a REAL

concern to your kids:

 

 

 

 

 

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

 Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,

locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Colt 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. 

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family…..

What
do
you do?

...............................................................

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him

that would inspire
him to attack?

Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day

and make this a happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends

for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

.............................................................................

Republican's
Answer: 

BANG!


.......................................................................

Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click...... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!

Were those the Winchester
Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that thing to the Taxidermist!'

Password

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Lonely ...

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:-

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

 The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

Art Gallery

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy
 also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by men
in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator
 of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the one, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no
 African Americans depicted at all'.

'They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch!'

Thoughts On Waterboarding

I miss the good old days ...

How about you ?

Take This If You Want It ...

Marriage

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast
Table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly,
I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?"
She asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry,
And I don't want some asshole using my stuff..."

She looked at me and said:
"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

IT'S OBAMA'S FAULT !

I've been wanting to say that for a long time.

Massachusetts, help me say it tomorrow !

You Need To Establish Your Priorities...

Some things are just more important.

SHOOT! SHOOT!!!

You can always sh!t later.

One Day Left To See What We're Made Of

This is an example of two 

diametrically opposite candidates.

Can you pick out the HAPPY rally ?

Thank you Opie for the idea and inspiration.

Oh, and the photos too.

Hat Tip to you at MAinfo

So, That's What Happened ....

This is a good example of “little things matter.”

BOAT DELIVERY WAS ON TIME

65' custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 staterooms,

a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation,

twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.

$4,500,000.00

Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and

music dockside for the excited 'soon to be owners' and a small group of friends.

$500.00

Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle.

$2,500/hour

 

(Note the guy in the stern!)

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate

Representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork.....

PRICELESS! 

So, how was your day...?

New Truck

MY NEW TRUCK

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States Barack Hussein Obama and played “Hail to the Chief’

Damn I love this truck...

Yes Officer ?

Peddle like mad ...

Now that is fast !

Great Poster

I have some of these posters I'll be mixing in.

I can hear it at the door ... excuse me please.

The Girls Love To "Find The Woodsterman"

Please indulge a very busy Woodsterman.

I'm doing year end bookkeeping.

Click on the Dust'n Lint logo if you're curious.

The One Is Divine - He Forgives

As we catch up to our

friends in Washington ...

Oh don't you worry ... Harry has a message for us.

Woodsterman Fights ObamaCare ...

U.S. Government refuses to pay

for this X-ray ... drops the 

whole idea of ObamaCare

It's not Hard To "Find The Woodsterman"

This is how we clear snow

in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

 Happy Global Warming Everyone !

One More Time "Find The Woodsterman"

It feels great being this T-shirt !

Anticipation !

The anxious crowd awaits

the unveiling of the

Barack Obama Presidential Statue

 

Ah, s*it on it !

Let's Play "Find The Woodsterman" Again

Oh my, He just keeps ending up

in the craziest places.

Just a part of "bad" history.

Let's Play "Find The Woodsterman"

OK kids where's woodsterman ?

OK that's not really me, but

he and I think alike.

I 

thought

I 

would 

add ...

GO GREEN!!  RECYCLE CONGRESS !!!

Expensive History Continued

This is the 11 most expensive catastrophes 

in history continued. 

Presenting number 7 through 11.

Well what were you voters expecting,

someone to hold your hand and 

ease you into this information ?

Expensive History

I'll Bring you six today and five tomorrow ....

 

Tomorrow we'll start with #7 and 

end with the most expensive catastrophe.