Scotch & 2 drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two 

drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on  

this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
 

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'  As the woman finishes her  drink, the woman

to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
 

The  woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two  

drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man  to
 her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The  woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with  two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he

says, 'Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops

of water?'
The  woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold
 your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


***************************************************************
 

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot.

 'OLD' IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...  Going bra-less Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of

by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting a little action' Means you don't need to take any

fibre today.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...'Getting lucky' means you find your car In the parking 

lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up To use the
bathroom.

AND FINALLY

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?

Bumper Stickers ... More #2

1955 ...

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by 
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young 
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant 
Major for conversation.
 
 "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. 
Is something bothering you?"
 
 "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

  The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

  "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

   The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take 
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
 
 "1955, ma'am."

 "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.  You really need to chill out!
I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room 
where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
 
 Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

 The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
 "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 

Bumper Stickers ... More #1

 

And here is the bonus that goes with this bumper sticker :

Saint Peter and the Chicken

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground...

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #6

That's all folks ...

12 Months Of Blonde Fever

Forget H1N1,  worry about Blonde  Fever

January  
Took new scarf back to store because it was  too tight. 

February  
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print  labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in  printer!!!

March
Got  really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.......
Box  said “ 2-4 years”!

April  
Trapped on escalator for hours ... 
Power  went out!!!

May
Tried  to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't  fit into those little packets!!! 

June
Tried  to  go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a  slope.  

July
Lost  breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other  swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got  locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because  soft-top was open.

September    
The capital of California is   'C'.....isn't it???  

October
Hate  M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.  

November    
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days   ...  
Instructions  said 1 hour per pound and  I weigh 108!! 

December   
Couldn't  call  911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on  the stupid  phone!!!

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #5

More to follow ...

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Woodsterman,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woodsterman,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals..
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.
5.. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #4

More to follow ...

Getting Older Together ...

AFTER   BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL  LOOK AT MY WIFE  ONE  DAY  AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP   APARTMENT, A CHEAP  CAR,  SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED  A 10-INCH BLACK  AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT  TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT  WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GIRL.  

NOW   I HAVE A $500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,  NICE BIG BED AND  PLASMA SCREEN  TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.   IT SEEMS TO ME THAT  YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF   THINGS."

MY   WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO  GO OUT  AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD  ONCE  AGAIN BE LIVING  IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP  CAR,  SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND  WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND  WHITE 


AREN'T   OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE 
YOUR  MID-LIFE  CRISIS

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #3

More to Follow ...

How Yodeling Began

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer.. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

 The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out .....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #2

More to follow ...

Happy Valentine's Day From Woodsterman !

This is for the crazy readers of Woodsterman Too.

Updated Bumper Sticker Themes #1

More to follow ...

Granddad ...

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days....................

"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down t'corner store wi' a dollah,
 and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
 bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf
 a dozen eggs.
 
 Ya' can't do that now.
 Too many dam' security cameras."

The Italian Nursing Home

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather(Abdullah) in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful' says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone".

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdulla says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

' There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

''There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'."

Today's Inspirational Message

Never piss off a woman 

who can operate a backhoe...

Her Wisdom

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to
donate some of my clothes to the starving
people throughout the world.
I told them to Fuck off!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!  

Girlfriend

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour

just stroking his pecker, something she seemed

to love to do.
 

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 

'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

INSTALLING A HUSBAND (Super Bowl Special)

Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

********************************************************************


DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2
and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works
as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are un
supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Please Steal Me ...

Hurry Back !

FREE SEX

A Texaco gas station in Edinburg, Texas, 

was trying to increase its sales, so the owner 

put up a sign saying, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up'.

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, 

and then asked for his free sex. The owner 

told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.  

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.  

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 

'You were close. The number was 7.  Sorry, no sex this time.'

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, 

Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. 

Again he asked for his free sex.  

The proprietor again gave him the same story, 

and asked him to guess the correct number.  

The redneck guessed 2 this time.  

Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.  

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 

'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't 

really give away free sex. '  Bubba replied, 

'No it ain't, Billy Ray.  It ain't rigged ----- 

my wife won twice last week.'!

Photo Shop At Its Best ! Part 4

Now THIS is why you can't believe any 

picture you see on the Internet!

This is a perfect example of what an expert

can do with Adobe Photo Shop!

The guy who did these pictures 

did an awesome job! 

 

  

  

  

  

Bunni, How's this last one ?

Hat Tip to Worth 1000 . com

Photo Shop At Its Best ! Part 3

Now THIS is why you can't believe any 

picture you see on the Internet!

This is a perfect example of what an expert

can do with Adobe Photo Shop!

The guy who did these pictures 

did an awesome job! 

 

  

 

Hat Tip to Worth 1000 . com

Photo Shop At Its Best ! Part 2

Now THIS is why you can't believe any 

picture you see on the Internet!

This is a perfect example of what an expert

can do with Adobe Photo Shop!

The guy who did these pictures 

did an awesome job! 

 
 

  

  

  

Hat Tip to Worth 1000 . com